雅思写作通病 缺少思考和自己的观点

这是一位正在准备雅思考试的同学，发给我的小作文。仔细看完之后，我发现里面有一个大部分同学都存在的通病--缺少思考和观点。纯粹阐述图表中的数字以及一部分之间的关系，哪怕表达正确，用词无误，也同样拿不到高分。

正文

The bar charts compare the destinations chosen by UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not attend full-time work after graduating from college in 2008.

Noticeably, the proportions of different choices made by graduates and postgraduates were similar, with the number of graduates was almost tenfold that of postgraduates. Specifically, further study was the most popular choice for both graduates and post graduates, with the number of 29665 and 2725 people respectively. Following was part-time work, for both graduates and postgraduates. There are 17735 graduate students chose to do part-time job whereas there are relatively highier proportion of postgraduates chose to do the same work, with the figure of 2524 people, close to the number of students who chose to get further study.

The rest two option were unemployment and voluntary work. However, these two figures were 16235 and 3500 people for graduates and 1625 and 345 people for postgraduate students.

Overall, the choices of destinations after leaving college were similar for both graduates and postgraduates despite the fact that there are about tenfold graduate students than postgraduate students.

点评

这是一篇5.5分的小作文。

- 开篇第一段，总结简短、到位，让读者能不看图理解即将说什么

-第二段：最重要的部分，作者尝试将自己看到的告诉给读者。但犯了一个错

讲了further study和part-time job两组数据之间的直接关系，但没给出自己的观点和分析

ratio of further study to part-time job of graduates is higher than the postgraduates

give own opinion( maybe low rate of employment in 2008 makes graduates go back to university)

- 我主要提到的就是文章中最容易被忽略：make comparison。

如果你不学会这么做，只是单纯写下图表的分析。

很难超越6分!