雅思大作文批改实录之6：广告让人们失去个性？

题目

Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making them look the same. Do you agree or disagree?

学生习作

With the economic slowdown within several years, numerous companies are seeking for effective ways to improve their sales. Under such background, it is not surprising that various sorts of advertisements are flooding our lives in virtually every minutes, from foods to clothes and shoes, from mobile phones to computers and cars. Some experts believe that commercials, to a great extent, discourages people from pursuing their individuality because they make consumers blindly purchase same products such as the latest electronic gadgets and clothes. I am, however, cannot agree with this point of view.

Admittedly, many companies promote sales by many efficient ways such as celebrities behave as the spokesperson of products, or massive promotion. This do promote some fans’  imitations, and some customer’s purchasing behavior of some specific brand and products, and maybe lead to monopoly.

However, this doesn’t means that commercials have such power to influence buyers expecting to follow the same lifestyle with dresses or electric products sold by same transnationalcorporations. After all, most people choose their favorite products mainly out of personal preferences and affordability. Some luxurious perfumes and handbags, for instance, can only attract the wealthy living in upper class with strong financial capabilities rather than consumers with average incomes, who would not buy products with fashionable shapes but with numerous practical functions and reasonable prices, no matter how heavily those companies are willing to spend on commercials. And different strokes is another man's poison, even famous like Apple still have antagonists. Otherwise, Android won’t exist.

In conclusion, despite the fact that advertisements do promote sales among different groups of people, we shall not become scale and thought that everyone would become fan of Beats’ earphone or Chanel’s perfume. Conversely, the more likely prospect is that competitions will become increasingly severe as consumers would have more choices while facing a range of goods.

评分：6

唐老雅评改

本题的要点是：广告让大家变成一样，从而失去了个性，你是否认同这个观点？其实，我们大家都很讨厌广告，但很少有人从广告是否让大家趋同这个角度来看广告，所以，这个题目很有意思。那么，如何破解此题呢？老雅认为，比较正常的想法应该是：广告虽然在某种程度上让我们趋同，但由于多种原因，我们仍能够保持自己的个性。广告是多种多样的，用户的兴趣和购买力也是多种多样的，因此，很难有广告会影响所有人，让大家变成相同的人。

本文思维流畅，有很多具体例证，文章有说服力。能比较正确的使用句型和词汇来表达自己的思想，但个别地方表达比较粗糙，甚至令人费解，从而影响了得分。稍加修订，即可提升得分。

第1段：With the economic slowdown within several years, numerous companies are seeking for effective ways to improve their sales. Under such background, it is not surprising that various sorts of advertisements are flooding our lives in virtually every minutes, from foods to clothes and shoes, from mobile phones to computers and cars. Some experts believe that commercials, to a great extent, discourages people from pursuing their individuality because they make consumers blindly purchase same products such as the latest electronic gadgets and clothes. I am, however, cannot agree with this point of view.

[修改] Various sorts of advertisements are flooding our lives in virtually every minute nowadays, from foods to clothes and shoes, from cars to mobile phones and computers. Some experts believe that commercials, to a great extent, discourage people from pursuing their individuality because they make consumers blindly purchase the same products such as the latest electronic gadgets and clothes. I am, however, not in agreement with this point of view.

[评析] 本段是开头段，先交待背景，接着重述题目观点，最后提出自己观点，符合“一边倒”论证方式的结构。但是，在交待背景时，为了引出广告多这一现象，作者也是拼了，居然搬出整个经济不振的大背景。其实，此举纯属多余，完全没有必要，可以直接点出现在广告很多的事实（这个事实人人都知道，不需要再提供背景）。本段值得借鉴的一个地方是，作者用from...to...和such as 两个短语引出了很多具体的产品，利用这个机会狠狠地展示了自己对商品名称的掌握（food, clothes, shoes, mobile phones, computers, electronic gadgets...)，这样就使作文具有了一定的个性化特征。雅思作文崇尚个性内容，忌讳千篇一律讲大道理，那样写出来的作文了无生趣，即使没什么语法错误，也很难得到理想的高分。

第2段：Admittedly, many companies promote sales by many efficient ways such as celebrities behave as the spokesperson of products, or massive promotion. This do promote some fans’  imitations, and some customer’s purchasing behavior of some specific brand and products, and maybe lead to monopoly.

[修改] Admittedly, many companies promote sales by many efficient ways, like having celebrities act as the spokespersons of their products or spending huge amount of money advertising their products on TV. These promotion efforts do encourage some fans to imitate their stars and purchase the same brands and products they speak for, and thus lead to monopoly.

[评析] 本段先扬后抑，论述广告的确可能导致用户的模仿，从而使用户趋同。内容方面值得借鉴，但语言表达出现了不少失误。首先是such as...后面跟上了一个完整句，这不符合英语语法规范，因为such as后面应该跟名词或动词的名词形式。其次，本段第二句很难读懂，属于表达中的大错误。按照作者的逻辑，这里想表达的内容应该是：（这些方法）的确促进了一些粉丝的模仿行为，并促进了一些用户只购买某些特定品牌和产品的消费行为，因此有可能导致垄断。为了表达这个意思，正常的英语应该是：These ways do encourage some fans to imitate their stars and purchase the same brands and products they speak for, and thus lead to monopoly. 如果再改进一下，我们可以把ways换成efforts，以避免重复。

第3段：However, this doesn’t mean that commercials have such power to influence buyers expecting to follow the same lifestyle with dresses or electric products sold by same transnational corporations. After all, most people choose their favorite products mainly out of personal preferences and affordability. Some luxurious perfumes and handbags, for instance, can only attract the wealthy living in upper class with strong financial capabilities rather than consumers with average incomes, who would not buy products with fashionable shapes but with numerous practical functions and reasonable prices, no matter how heavily those companies are willing to spend on commercials. And one man’s medicine is another man's poison, even famous like Apple still have antagonists. Otherwise, Android won’t exist.

[修改] However, it doesn’t mean that commercials can be so powerful as to persuade all people into following the lifestyle and buying the clothes or electric products promoted by the same company. After all, most people choose their favorite products mainly out of their personal preferences and affordability. Luxurious perfumes and handbags, for instance, can attract the wealthy people from upper class with strong financial capabilities rather than consumers with average incomes, who would be more attentive to the products’ functions and prices instead of their fashionable shapes and forms, no matter how heavily the companies are willing to spend on promotion. Furthermore, just as one man’s medicine is another man’s poison, even such a famous brand like Apple must have its rivals. Otherwise, Android would not exist.

[评析] 本段论述没有哪个产品能独霸市场，因为用户的消费能力和爱好不一样。内容很精彩，有细节，有举例，有一定的个性化，但划线部分的语言表达存在相当程度的混乱。请对照修改文仔细揣摩。

第4段：In conclusion, despite the fact that advertisements do promote sales among different groups of people, we shall not become scale and thought that everyone would become fan of Beats’ earphone or Chanel’s perfume. Conversely, the more likely prospect is that competitions will become increasingly severe as consumers would have more choices while facing a range of goods.

[修改] In conclusion, despite the fact that advertisements do promote sales among different groups of people, there is no need to worry that everyone would become fan of Beats’ earphone or Chanel’s perfume. Conversely, it is more likely that competitions will become increasingly tense so that consumers will have more choices while facing a range of goods.

[评析] 本段是结论。这里值得学习的是作者再次用举例的方法，写出了比较具体的内容（Beats' earphone; Chanel’s perfume）。但原文划线部分中的scale应为scared的误写，随即的thought更是莫名其妙。有时候老雅非常不解，为什么有些看起来水平相当不错的同学会在写作中的某个时刻犯下令人匪夷所思的错误，比如这里的scale和thought？

修改后全文

Various sorts of advertisements are flooding our lives in virtually every minute nowadays, from foods to clothes and shoes, from cars to mobile phones and computers. Some experts believe that commercials, to a great extent, discourage people from pursuing their individuality because they make consumers blindly purchase the same products such as the latest electronic gadgets and clothes. I am, however, not in agreement with this point of view.

Admittedly, many companies promote sales by many efficient ways, like having celebrities act as the spokespersons of their products or spending huge amount of money advertising their products on TV. These promotion efforts do encourage some fans to imitate their stars and purchase the same brands and products they speak for, and thus lead to monopoly.

However, it doesn’t mean that commercials can be so powerful as to persuade all people into following the lifestyle and buying the clothes or electric products promoted by the same company. After all, most people choose their favorite products mainly out of their personal preferences and affordability. Luxurious perfumes and handbags, for instance, can attract the wealthy people from upper class with strong financial capabilities rather than consumers with average incomes, who would be more attentive to the products’ functions and prices instead of their fashionable shapes and forms, no matter how heavily the companies are willing to spend on promotion. Furthermore, just as one man’s medicine is another man’s poison, even such a famous brand like Apple must have its rivals. Otherwise, Android would not exist.

In conclusion, despite the fact that advertisements do promote sales among different groups of people, there is no need to worry that everyone would become fan of Beats’ earphone or Chanel’s perfume. Conversely, it is more likely that competitions will become increasingly tense so that consumers will have more choices while facing a range of goods.

评分：7

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