雅思大作文批改实录之9：肥胖问题

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? 在一些国家，人们的体重在增加，健康指数在下降，请分析这些问题的原因以及提出解决方法？

首段：原创习作

As reported by many non-government organizations, there is a trend of increasing number of overweight population from the developing countries to the developed countries. The weight of people has been proved by the dominant medicine to associate to one's illness and health condition. Doctors have found that the blood lipid level in an overweight person is usually out of the normal range. The abnormal lipid level has been reported that it leads to high risks of liver disease, heart attack and cerebrovascular diseases. As weight is so important to people's health, it is necessary to analyze the causes behind and find a solution.

点评：首段写作不错，几乎没有语法拼写错误，首句介绍背景，接着谈及问题影响，尾句交代写作目的。但是，细节处依然可以改进，词汇可以升级，句型可以写的更加漂亮，雅思写作毕竟是考察语言的质量。many = numerous = plenteous = countless. There is trend of = it seems to be an inevitable that that. countries一词在第二次出现的时候可以换成nations, 以避免词汇的重复。个人认为像cerebrovascular disease.  (脑血管疾病) 可以在首段省略，因为这样的词汇在真实考场很容易写错。The weight of people has been proved by the dominant medicine to associate to one's illness and health condition. 该句表达的不清晰，作者似乎想说，主导性的医疗机构证实，肥胖是和人的疾病和健康相互联系的， 但是associate 要和with 搭配使用。最后应该说应该找到一些解决方法，所以，a solution 建议改成some recommendations.

首段：修改版（只是表达法升级，不改变作者思想）

As reported by numerous non-government organizations, it seems to be an inevitable trend that increasing number of people, ranging from developing countries to the developed ones, are now facing with obesityproblem. Plenteous medical institutions have already proved that countless diseases could be associated with one’s overweight. Doctors have found that the blood lipid level in an overweight person is usually out of the normal range, which might contribute to high risks of liver disease, heart attack and so on. Considering the severity of fatness, it is of great necessity to analyze the underlying causes and ascertain some recommendations.

二段原创习作：

The first reason for the increasing weight of people in the developing countries is the improvements of economy. Due to the economic booming in the developing countries during last century, people could feed their families with more food, which is not available in the past. These extra foods then make extra energy stored in one's body and add one's weight.

点评：人们肥胖的原因很多，其中最明显是：第一，人们不重视健康管理，生活方式不健康，习惯了久坐，缺乏体育锻炼。第二，经济的发展使得人们的饮食结构多元化，有些人摄入太多营养过剩食品以及习惯了高脂肪和高热量的食品；第三，有些孩子的肥胖是遗传原因。参加过培训的学生们大概是知道肥胖的三个原因的。清华学子的分析的第一原因是想说经济发展了，人们吃的东西更多了，暴饮暴食导致人们的肥胖。但是二段写作比较单薄，没有太多的亮点。出现了细节的错误。

二段的明显错误：economic booming 应该改成 economic boom 或者 the prosperity of the economy. feed family with more food 应该改成 feed families with more foods. make extra energy stored in one’s body 应该改成make extra energy store in one’s body. 

二段：修改版（只是表达法升级，不改变作者思想）

The potential factors triggering one’s overweight are manifold. Here, some of them will be analyzed. The most essential reason engenders people’s obesity in  millions of countries is the availability of more and more foods that are high in nutritional value. Virtually, Due to the prosperity of the economy and the betterment of people’s standard of living, modern people now could afford to satisfy their stomachs via enjoying various delicious foods, which usually contain excessive fat, sugar or calories. Imaginably, too much intake of over-nutritious foods will definitely make one put on weight.

三段原创习作：

The second cause lies in the rapid lifestyle in the developed countries. The rapid life-style make the appearance of fast food industry, which is Mcdonaldization. People are more likely to choose fast food when they feel stressful due to rapid life-style. Unfortunately, researches have found that fast food contains high level of cholesterol and high energy which are fat inducing factors and result in people's overweight.

点评：三段中作者是想论证快餐食品的流行导致了人们的肥胖。男孩的主要问题就是词汇的单调重复。lifestyle 一词出现了三次，全文中反复出现了developed countries，没有变化和改写，due to 一词上段已经用过了。其实快节奏的生活方式是有专有写法的（the sonic lifestyle 或者是 the high pace of modern life）. 思路上，第二个肥胖的理由最好去论证生活方式不健康，不懂得健康管理，或者是遗传原因。以为第一点原因已经论证过了饮食。我的建议就是背诵健康类话题语料库，学习词汇替换，思路应该更加开阔。

三段：修改版（只是表达法升级，不改变作者思想）

Another contributing factor lies in the sonic lifestyle and the fierce competition. More precisely, The ever-accelerating modern life make a great many people have no alternative but to resort to fast foods. The popularity of more and more fast food restaurants, such as KFC or Mcdonalds, account for people’s fondness of junk foods. Owing to the high pace of modern life modern people, especially schoolchildren, are more likely to opt for fast foods when feeling stressful or hard-pressed for time. Unfortunately, problems ensued, researchers have found that those fast foods containing high level of cholesterol and high energy are fat inducing factors and could easily result in people's overweight.

尾段原创习作：

After detecting the reasons of overweight, it is urgent to find the right method to tackle them. For the first cause, it is better for people to get more education about eating health. For the second one, we would find that we cannot do anything to the rapid life-style. However, we still can make some changes. It would be better for people todiscover a new fast food with a lower lipid and energy, or to exercise regularly to use up those extra energy included in fast food. Only in this way, can people lead a better, healthier and more enjoyable life in the long run. Consequently this issue would be resolved successfully and a more harmonious life will be fulfilled.

点评：这篇文章的最高分数就是6分吧。读完尾段，感觉时男孩的模板或者是巨型都没有亮点，很难高分，词汇的使用也不是特别精准。discover 是发现的意思，还不如用explore 或者是find. Use up 改成 consume 更加通顺。However = yet =nevertheless.  method 复数更加合理。健康的饮食习惯为wholesome diertary habit 不是eating health。男孩的口语化和直接对译的味道比较重。这些只是小的瑕疵，总体的语言质量和思路还是好的，只是，真正的雅思考试考查的持续犯罪的原因和解决；人们工作后就不再持续学习的原因和解决；个人环保不作为的原因和解决等话题要远比肥胖话题更加难以应对。

文章的布局也是有问题的，一般分析问题解决问题的文章，二段是分析三个原因，三段是提出相应的三个解决策略。男孩的布局不是特别推荐。

尾段：小鹏哥修改版（只是表达法升级，不改变作者思想）

After investigating the reasons of fatness, it is high time that we explored some effective methods. For the first cause, it is advisable for those fat people to  acquire  more knowledge about wholesome dietary habit. For the second one, although we can do nothing to change the rapid life-style, we l can still make some changes. It would be better for people to turn to a new fast food with low lipid and energy, or to exercise regularly to consume those extra energy including in fast foods. Only in this way, can people lead a better, healthier and more enjoyable life in the long run.

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